i guess its because i’ve learnt to love you for a good 6 years, and i have learnt to love even the worst of you(Well I’ve seen the worst, and yet I always believed in the best of you). that’s why its a million times harder to let go, and to convince myself day by day that you aren’t the right guy for me. What I’m feeling now can’t be described into a singular emotion, because it oscillates as one moment I’m feeling completely alright by myself and brave enough to have the faith that i will find someone who will treat me the way I deserve to be treated, someone who would give for me as much as I gave for you.. and then there are moments when I suddenly feel so bitter and angry at you for ‘wasting my time’, or rather, almost my entire youth. from 14 years to 19 years old… for me ditching so many other guys who would have treated me at least like a human because I wanted to be faithful to you. And yet? that is that side of me who still wants to understand you. who wants to continue making excuses for you so that all that you have done is accounted for. Because I did that for so many years. I wanted to believe you were good.. always believed you could change your ways when you told me you were going to change. but false hopes again and again, accumulated betrayals and other girls, countless lies, innumerable omission of things you never told me —-
i guess, at least now i’m no longer trapped under your indecisiveness. I’m sorry we aren’t even friends now, but give me some time to be your friend again, it’s too much for me to take right now. I have forgiven, understood, accepted, showed you grace time and time again, but I know a healthy relationship should not be like this. this is not what God intends for me nor for you. He has a greater plan. I need time to enlarge my heart and my capacity to show more grace before I can start reconciling this relationship/friendship/whatever remains of us, even though i feel that I have forgiven so many times, much more than anyone can do for you. Just please. don’t talk to me right now because it’s really harder than you know, can’t see you, can’t be near you because my heart just can’t take it
That’s usually the case.